Stuff that makes me cry…
When I get ready for my treatment trips to Malta, I try to make myself look as “normal” as possible, even though I can’t hide those parts of my appearance that seem to scream, Hey, I’m ill! (Like, for example, those stick legs and the fact that I don’t quite manage to walk completely upright…) I always make it a point to put on make-up (well, the little you’re used to seeing on me, which isn’t really all that much). Well, on every single occasion I end up saying that I really should give the mascara a miss next time, because I’m always suffering at least one crying fit; just seems to be inevitable!
The first one yesterday happened, as I mentioned in my previous post, when the pain got so bad from sitting for hours on end. It was brief, but the next one followed hot on its heels, when I was told that my next chemo appointment was for 24th December… That info broke a dam the size of the Niagara Falls! I kept (still keep) telling myself that it probably won’t be all too bad; I’m only going to get vinorelbin on its own this time. But still, the thought of spending a big chunk of Christmas Eve at Boffa, and the rest of the day dozing, just kept (still keeps!) freaking me out. I’d been sort of hoping to be able to celebrate Christmas Eve with the family, the way we did four years ago (what, that was already 4 yrs ago??!).
Perhaps there would have been a little less emphasis on doing the cooking myself – but that really wouldn’t have been the most important part anyways. But hey… maybe things can and will turn out way better than I’m anticipating now, eh? Shit, just why am I such an utter failure at being an optimist?! *big sigh*
Christmas 2007 at home
And still more tears were in store, upon arriving back home from Malta! I think I’ve mentioned it before: I am what we call in German being “built close to the water” – meaning, it is laughably easy to move me to tears. All it takes, really, is looking at a person with conjunctivitis, and my eyes are likely to join in sympathy!
While we were away for the day, the postman had been busy stuffing our mailbox. Among all the junk-mail that the festive season usually brings, there was a Christmas card from my wonderful friend Claudia and a lovely letter from my dad (who’s extremely lazy when it comes to writing!), which I was hardly able to read/translate to my hubby as the letters kept swimming around in front of my eyes.
There was also a notice from the post office to pick up a bulky package… which had to wait till today. I couldn’t think of what it might be, for all I knew it was just one of those teaching-German-as-a-foreign-language brochures that I subscribed aeons ago and that I receive twice a year. But when George brought the package home this morning, the welling-up started anew! It contained a very precious gift from my dear friend Kathy – girl, I really don’t know how to thank you for that! (Oh yes, and may I mention that Roger’s ‘Christmas’ is my number one tearjerker this year…)
And would you believe it – all of the above was still not all! There was also an e-mail that I received from another dear friend from Germany. There is this infuriatingly funny German website where you can “write a song” for someone else, and Miriam has created one for me. Thank you dear – this made me laugh and cry, all at the same time…
So as you can see, no matter what life throws at me, the best, the worst and anything in-between – it really doesn’t take a lot to make me cry! At least I can say it runs in the family; I remember my mum, my sister and myself coming out of the cinema with swollen eyes after watching ‘Love Story’ – all three of us had cried our hearts out!
Talk soon again, I hope. A peaceful 4th Advent to you and to me! xxx
Simba ignoring the Christmas tree?
(On your part, please do ignore the dirty window – it figures that it just had to rain only a couple of days after hubby washed it!!)
Tags: cancer
Hey Sabine,
I follow you all the time on face book. You really amaze me and I do not think that you only do that to me. You are so brave to write all about it. And I am sure that this helps you a bit. I can’t tell you that I know what you re going through but I have an idea cause dad spent the last 5 years of his life fighting cancer. the problem was the he did not fight it he gave up and that killed him
Please do not give up, continue to be brave. I am going to say this thing it may be stupid but I just can t go to sleep without letting you know what I am thinking. Write another book Sabine, about all this. I am certain that you are good at it.
Take care of yourself and I think a lot about you even though it does not help you but you are on my mind a lot of time. Miss you xxxxxxx
Sabine, I think I share in your sea of tears (albeit for different reasons, but the same in a sense). I hope you find some happiness in what little I was able to share with you in the package I sent.
I still feel like we are soul sisters.
Love,
Kathy
Sabine,
You are loved honey, you are loved…….
Healing to you my friend, healing to you….
Dear Sabine
If thoughts could be exchanged to words, there would be as much as necessary for a thick book. Habitually you are there in my mind; and a small prayer follows. Your recurrent journals have become essential; they are the only source to know that you are reacting and doing all that is possible. In addition I have become more aware of how many things I take for granted without appreciating those dear to me and all that God has bestowed me with. I would like to take this opportunity to convey to you and George heartfelt wishes for a blessed Christmas.
Hugs & Kisses
Fortunata
I’m so sorry you’re disappointed about the schedule for tomorrow, but you can do the ideal Christmas-thing NEXT year, this year you need to concentrate on getting through the treatment so you can get better. Keep warm, hug the cat. I am thinking of you and wishing you strength, also to George.
All the very best,
Q (Lyn)