The month of May has by and large been a rather disturbing one. Well, the disturbing part actually started even before that: during my last appointment with the oncologist here in Gozo a new chemotherapy cycle with Taxotere® was scheduled for April 26^th, but because of the rather intense pain I stayed two days at Boffa Hospital and received chemotherapy and a single radiotherapy shot to my spine on the 27^th – even though I’d been told that I shouldn’t receive both treatments without a break in-between. Anyways, it was pretty bad.

But worse was to come once I returned home a couple of days later. Not only hadn’t the radiotherapy done anything to take my pain away but to the contrary, had made it considerably worse. On top of that my stomach objected heavily with all symptoms it could possibly muster, to the assorted medications I was taking orally. For some reason the hospital pharmacy at Boffa also forgot to hand me the Zofran tablets (against nausea) to take home with me, and by the time I finally received them a day and a half later, not a single one stayed down. I ended up in such a mess that I was taken to hospital by ambulance – on my son’s birthday, out of all days! That was all of 8 days ago…

Shortly after my admission in a four-bed room, my blood test showed an extremely low white blood cell count, leaving me vulnerable to possible infections. So the other patients were moved out, and all my visitors have had to wear protective clothing and facemasks. Here’s a mobile phone snapshot of hubby and sisters-in-law, taken during those first minutes – looks much more light-hearted than it really felt…

Meanwhile I’ve been moved to a single room, which I am very, very grateful for. Of course the privacy and familiarity of home is best, but I have been able to get a good rest, and feeling safe and taken care of by professional staff obviously also plays a huge part in that. Hopefully I’ll be able to go home by the weekend!

Well, that’s all for now. I will try not to let too much time pass before telling you again how things are going…

Saturday morning, 11.30 am, my mobile rings: it’s Gregor! I used to think it was crazy that Gregor would phone me on the mobile phone from Germany occasionally without a reason, just for a little chat. But over time I got used to it, so I just smile happily as I answer the phone. Turns out, this time Gregor actually has a reason for phoning: the courier, who was attempting delivery of the parcel with the goodies from Roger’s Nuremberg show, had called him because nobody was answering the door. So I told Gregor that I would hurry downstairs to open the door, and I’d call him right back…

And who do I find standing in front of me as I open the door? Two gentlemen, each with a huge grin on his face: Gregor and Mick!!  The funny thing is that it actually happened more than once before that couriers rang me up because the doorbell wasn’t working – so I wasn’t in the least suspicious. The surprise worked out perfectly!

Apparently, Thursday night these two crazy boys decided over a couple of beers that it would be safer to deliver the precious merchandise (autographed t-shirt & banner) in person than leaving the job in the hands of a courier service. So they went to the airport on Friday as planned – Mick was supposed to return to Ireland – but simply changed destination and flew to Malta instead.

I challenge you to find me someone who’s got better AND crazier friends than me…

Thank you guys, you truly ROCK!! xxx

Bestest friends!

You all know by now how much I value Roger Hodgson not only as a gifted musician, but also as a person. I hardly ever mention his name without also referring to our little (but steadfastly growing!) circle of friends, who mostly met through – and are held together by – Kathy’s Roger Hodgson fan-site, and who are all similarly affected by Roger’s music and sincerity.

When we met up for Roger’s Tollwood concert in Munich last July, we all were certain to meet again in Nuremberg’s Meistersingerhalle in March 2011, where most of us had met up for the first time in March 2009. Although I had already health troubles at the time, it never crossed my mind that I could be too ill to travel, but as we all know that’s precisely what happened. Still, until late January I hadn’t given up hope altogether that I might feel better by March; when it became clear that it wasn’t going to happen, I was obviously deeply disappointed.

Then, just one week before the gig, I received a short but sweet email from Linda Tyler, Roger’s manager, proposing to let me join the gang virtually using Skype if there was an internet connection available at the hall. I couldn’t believe what I was reading!

A couple of days before the concert my friend Gregor and I set up our Skype connection and for the next 48 hours I was almost breathless in anticipation! Events on the 15^th March kicked off with a brief telephone chat with my friends (thank you Mick!), while they were having lunch at Sausalito’s. Awesome!

Big Hug for Miriam

Here is a special hug for our friend Miriam, who was supposed to be there with the others in Nuremberg but sadly learned – almost in the last minute – that she was not able to, also for health reasons. Olaf tried setting her up with a Skype connection too, but for some reason it didn’t work out as well as mine, which must have been so disappointing for her. Dear Miriam, as I said: Let’s make a big wish for the next time, so that we’ll both be there – and share a hug in person!!

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Sound Check

Gregor – to whom I’ll be indebted forever! – set up his laptop in the hall, and you can believe me when I say that I felt the atmosphere there, it was kind of crackling! Excitement increased when he placed me on the edge of the stage, and Roger came over to greet me.

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A brief chat with Roger before the soundcheck

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After that, Roger carried me over and set me up on his keyboard! There I was, sitting face to face with the man… surreal is the only word that’s halfway fitting! Linda had asked whether I wanted Roger to sing a particular song for me, and I’d decided on The More I Look. Here I must clarify that there are many other songs that I love, but this one sort of “speaks to me” and often comes into my mind when I’m out and about on my own with the camera. And he would sing most of the others during the concert anyway. So Roger sat in front of me, singing The More I Look for me – did I mention surreal?

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Sabine "sitting" on Roger's keyboard

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The Concert

There’s one little snag in attending a concert via Skype; I had two options, either enjoy an excellent view at the expense of sound, or get better quality sound but from far away…I decided on being close to the action, but unfortunately the laptop’s mic was unable to pick up anything Roger said during the concert, and the music was barely recognizable. Sitting right on top of a bank of loudspeakers was of course not helping things. But I could live with it – especially in view of what was still to come!

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Sabine & Miriam "sitting" on stage (photo by Gregor)

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A technical problem with an amplifier gave Roger a hard time during this particular concert – which must have been the first in his long career that saw Roger not playing a guitar! Another glitch forced him to abandon Breakfast In America halfway through and restart after a brief interruption. I couldn’t help feeling that somehow I was responsible, that I was jinxing it with my presence… Yet despite the obstacles Roger had to struggle with, the crowd was wonderful (applause was the only sound that came over almost perfectly!!).

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Roger & Aaron during the show

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Hardcore fans know that the first few chords of Dreamer are the starting shot for the audience to abandon their seats and crowd in on the stage… and it was no different last Tuesday. But would you believe it: that’s precisely when Skype decided to hang up on me and deprive me of not one but two encores, which apparently included the only song he played on the guitar that night (Two Of Us, I believe).

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After Show

Of course I didn’t give up hoping that my Skype connection to the hall would be restored after the show, but it was a looong wait. I even nodded off a couple of times and was seriously scared I’d miss the call in the end! Thankfully I succeeded to stay awake – I would have been devastated had I missed what was still to come…

Together with the others, I waited backstage for Roger to arrive after the gig. Every now and then one of my friends would come to me for a chat; it was a very peculiar feeling, I was really there… so strange! Finally Roger and Linda entered the room and the usual photo session ensued, interspersed with chats and hugs and autographs. “Usual” is, perhaps, not quite the right word for this photo-shoot in particular – have a look:

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Roger, Sabine & the gang! (Photo by Olaf)

Gregor carrying Sabine around (Photo by Olaf)

Mick ensuring that Sabine has a good view on things! (Photo by Olaf)

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The gang had arranged for another “Garden Gate Gang” t-shirt to be printed for me, which they all signed on the back, while Roger wrote on its front, “For beautiful Sabine…  Roger Hodgson” – and he also signed the large banner (beautifully made by Claudia!), which they’d decided to send me… I’m really lost for words!

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Roger signing my t-shirt (Photo by Christine)

Roger signing the Garden Gate Gang banner for me (Photo by Christine)

Roger showing me the t-shirt (Photo by Anina)

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Some time after 11.30pm the meet & greet came to an end. However, there was yet another surprise lying in wait, as Linda told me that she’d “take me” to Roger’s dressing room because he wanted to speak with me somewhere quieter, away from the large crowd of people. And so my wonderful day in Nuremberg finished with a “private audience” with Roger Hodgson… Awesome… Surreal!

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Thank You!

Just saying thank you isn’t enough, but what else can I possibly say? I’m sure that everybody will agree that there aren’t many “stars” in the music business who would go to such great lengths for a fan who can’t attend their gig.

A huge, heartfelt thank-you to Roger Hodgson and Linda Tyler, and to all my Garden Gate Gang friends, for making the 15^th March 2011 one of the best days of my life!

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Thanks are also in order for the photos of the great night. A few of the pics in this post are snapshots that I took through Skype, but the others (the better ones!) are from Gregor, Olaf, Christine and Anina. I hope I marked all the photographers correctly!

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There was a time when I used to love the kind of weather we are blessed with today: thick grey clouds and a strong, cold wind that’s flogging trees, shrubs and flowers, while the rain is whipped to the ground in an almost 45° angle. In mid-March, however, this feels all wrong. Not to mention that a little sunshine and warmth go a long way to make me feel better overall!

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Life’s Goings-On

Some time ago I told you about my daytime surroundings and threatened you with a follow-up post describing how I spend my days. Well, true to my procrastinating nature I kept postponing that post – until the thought of writing it became increasingly irrelevant, obscene even, in the face of what has been going on in the world…

As a matter of fact, the news during my treatment “break” have been heavily dominated by upheavals in North Africa, culminating in the terrible bloodshed in Libya. And then the disastrous earthquake in Japan… I don’t know about you, but to me, all my worries, pains and complaints lose some of their urgency when I look at what the people in Libya and Japan have to deal with. My heart goes out to all the people who are suffering so much pain!

Libya being much closer geographically, the situation is more worrisome in the short term. At the moment it seems Gaddafi’s forces are defeating the rebels’ troops, and I wonder if anyone can really know what any of the two possible outcomes of the conflict will mean for Malta. Judging from the numerous – often ridiculous – comments to articles on timesofmalta.com, everybody is a little expert in foreign affairs. Now, I would never consider myself an expert, but I believe that handling the situation on a political and diplomatic level is an extremely delicate matter for Malta. Whether Gaddafi will remain in power or the rebels will succeed in ousting him, I can’t help thinking that there will be repercussions for Europe and especially for Malta, which due to its size, location and, of course, proximity to Libya is especially vulnerable. Just my two cents’ – time will tell, I suppose.

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Fifty-Two!

Last weekend my sister visited me again, this time bringing my niece with her, to celebrate my birthday with us. I had meant to have a big party – well, sort of an ‘open house’ with friends and family – which however, proved to be impossible due to lack of space, so sadly I had to make do without the friends. Perhaps there will be a chance to have another little get-together some time later.

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Roger Hodgson‘s 2011 Tour of Europe…

…has just kicked off with concerts in several German cities this past week. Sold-out venues and rave reviews clearly indicate yet another successful year for Roger! He’s going to have loads of gigs in many countries this year – check the tour page on his website for concert dates!

Our Garden Gate Gang is going to meet up once again for Roger’s gig in Nuremberg. Last year I was sure I would be part of it again, but little did I know then what was going to happen to me. I’m really sad I cannot be there, but a short yet wonderful message I received a few days ago lifted my spirits considerably. Will tell you more if things work out – and if they don’t, I guess I’ll just forget about it… Here’s a picture of the gang from our meet-up with Roger two years ago (taken by Arndt Fleischer, who runs Roger’s German fansite):

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Spring!

Of course, in spite of today’s abysmal weather, there’s no doubt that spring has arrived at our shores. Actually, winter has hardly had any chance this year! The last couple of days were mostly sunny and I took the opportunity to catch a few shots in the garden. I hope I’ll be more mobile again one day – always taking more or less the same shots does become a bit boring!

(Except for the last two, these photos were taken with extension tube, hence the very shallow depth of field.)

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So, what’s happening with me, and what’s up next?

I had had hopes that I would start feeling better during this past month (my “break” from chemotherapy), but that has not really come to pass. My appetite had improved somewhat (I even gained a kilo!), but for the past few days I’ve started feeling nauseous after meals again, for no obvious reason. And my pain got rather worse. I manage to keep it in check somewhat, but I can’t fight this fear I have of taking too much morphine. I know I shouldn’t – and I also know that my doses are on the low side – still, I just can’t help myself. I don’t want to spend all day in a daze…

In three days’ time I have the next appointment with the oncologist, and to be honest, I don’t have a clue what the outcome of it will be. During our last meeting, he mentioned an alternative form of treatment, a pill that is to be taken at home. You might laugh in my face, but I was so fixated on my written list of questions that I forgot to ask for the name of this particular therapy! Obviously it is now on my list for next Wednesday.

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Last but not least… As many times before, I feel I need to apologise for my sluggish way of responding to comments on facebook. Sometimes I’m thinking whole paragraphs, but end up just clicking “like” instead of writing, hoping you’ll know what I mean anyway LOL! And I know that I’m even worse when it comes to replying to comments on my blog. I’m just bloody lazy, and forgetful on top of that……… I’M SORRY!!

Don’t let the entry fee put you off, because what you get in return is very valuable indeed: exposure for your photography in the attractive setting of the Banca Giuratale in Victoria; your photo(s) printed and professionally framed; the opportunity to sell your photo(s).

Participation in the exhibition is open to both, members and non-members of the MIPP. But if you aren’t a member, why not think about becoming one? Members don’t only profit from a cheaper entry fee, but also from a lot of attractive activities for photographers that are organised frequently throughout the year by the MIPP. And last but not least, you’ll meet a lot of nice people with the same passion for photography as you!

Click the graphic on the right to download a PDF file with further details and rules of entry for the Illuminaria Gozo exhibition.

Last Wednesday I had another wish fulfilled, that of getting answers. My oncologist went in detail through my CT scans (the primary tumor measures just a tad over 8 mm) and the metastases showing up in my bone scan (scary!!). He explained that a very minimal improvement had been achieved with chemotherapy (but at least the tumor hasn’t grown either!).

And then there was my inquiry about the prognosis of my illness… It was the hardest question for me to ask, and I admit I nearly chickened out in the end – but only nearly.

Well. On average, someone in my condition won’t have years left to live… not an awful lot, eh? What do you do to add meaning to your life in such a short time? I guess it’s too late now for a bucket list of big adventures; however, should I win a lottery before my time is up, I might invest in some little luxuries like travelling in the most comfortable ways possible. (My fabulous friends have offered to pay my trip to the March meet-up with Roger Hodgson, which I sadly had to decline because I don’t have the strength to even travel there.)

But assuming that a lottery win is not going to happen, here’s my action plan for the immediate future and the rest of the year…

• Put a few pounds back on my bones. Must identify food that I like – I went off so much stuff I used to love…
• Work on becoming more mobile again. Together with some meat, there’s urgent need for muscles! Must get out of that armchair!!
• Celebrate my 52^nd birthday, which is just 2 weeks away. No fancy party or 8 course gala dinner, just a nice get-together with family and friends. And the most wonderful news in that respect: my sister and niece are coming to join me for that weekend!!
• Prove that an average value is open-ended and may very well go years beyond the, um, average…
• Oh and why ever not: Win the lottery! As I’ve learned, stranger wishes have been granted, so what the hell!

What do you do when life throws you lemons? Personally, I don’t care much for lemonade, but there’s other stuff you can make from lemons… meringue anyone? Oh, and then there’s always a nice, refreshing gin & tonic that benefits from a juicy slice of lemon! And last but not least, there’s this rumour about citrus being beneficial in the prevention and treatment of cancer. Whether that’s true or not, I’m sure there’s no harm putting to good use all those lemons that have been thrown at me!

For now, I am on a four weeks’ treatment break, until my next appointment with the oncologist on March 16th. I will work on getting some of my energy back by then!

After my treatment on the day before her arrival, I never recovered – and it’s still as bad now, after last Friday’s chemo. That one was – supposedly – the last one of the first chemo cycle.  Supposedly, because I’d been told a few weeks earlier that after this one I’d be getting a “break”. (And boy, am I ready for a break!) Well, and then the doctor who saw me Friday said that the oncologist (who apparently is away this week) would be making that decision after seeing me on the 16^th February. I’m confused. And angry.

Apparently this country has a policy of keeping cancer patients as much as possible out of the loop where her/his illness is concerned. I have actually known people who were never told that they had cancer before they died – I kid you not: if your family decides that you can’t handle the truth, you’re f*cked in the information department! (Very important note:  this has nothing to do with my family; they wouldn’t dream of doing that to me!)

Now, obviously I know that I have a right to information. And in the beginning of all this shit, I was able to make that very clear to anybody I had contact with. But to be honest, it is a struggle to make up your mind about what questions to ask, and that struggle gets tougher every time you receive an unsatisfactory answer – or none at all. The doctor I see before a treatment changes almost every time; a typical policlinic situation. There is one contact person that is more of a constant, but I never know beforehand whether I get to see her or someone else. Sometimes I’d ask a couple of questions, then the junior doctor wanders off to ask a ‘superior’ and return with half the answers, or tells me something I already knew. Once, after I had enquired about the two different kinds of back pains I was suffering from, I’m sure she only went to confirm whether she was allowed to tell me that I had bone metastases. On another occasion the doc went to “check” – and never returned at all.

I’m not superwoman… Why do they have to make it so hard for me to ask questions? Shouldn’t the fact that I am asking be sufficient reason to give me an answer?  This has been awfully frustrating to say the least, and that frustration has started undermining my resolve big time. I wish they’d simply put a note in the front of my file saying, ‘Patient Wants To Know Everything!’ – and then act accordingly.

So now, I’m going to make a list of all questions for the oncologist, on the 16^th February. And keep my fingers crossed that 1) I’ll actually get to ask them, and 2) he’ll answer them… Wish me luck, ‘cos this status quo is truly wearing me out!

In the meantime, thick grey clouds are back, and it’s raining. But hey, it’s February, after all. And I had my photo fix!

Once again my online presence has become a little rare, as I haven’t been in top form. There’s something I don’t want to delay any further, though, and that is telling you, my friends (and total strangers even!), a heartfelt thanks for supporting me and my blog! You might have noticed that the ‘Donate’ link on the left disappeared pretty quickly; that’s because within a couple of days I had enough funds to renew my web hosting account for three whopping years! I could now add another item to my pre-Christmas post, Stuff that makes me cry: your generous contributions, many accompanied by lovely comments, moved me to tears!

I’m also very grateful to my host, Lunarpages, for a really great offer, which worked out at just under 180 Dollars for 39 months. I don’t have to worry about my blog’s demise for a very long time to come! Oh, and I mustn’t leave out Lunarpages’ billing specialist Randy Tarpley, who I had the pleasure dealing with before. (At the time he had gone faaaar out of his way to present a friend with a birthday gift while he was supposedly enjoying his day off!). He restored my belief in genuine customer care – and I’m also very happy to say that he has become a friend in the process! Randy, you certainly rock, too!!
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Well, and on other fronts (or should I rather say the front), I’m still labouring with the aftereffects of last Friday’s chemo. Occasionally it’s been so bad that I was wondering whether they’d given me an overdose. But to sweeten things a little, we have a very dear house guest this week, my sister is visiting for a week from Germany. It’s a pity that this turned out to be one of my worst weeks so far, but there’s nothing one can do. I’ll just have to enjoy it as much as I can. – and I do!

Next Friday will see my last treatment in this first cycle. I can’t wait to get a break and hopefully regain some of my strength and energy. And of course I’m anxious to learn whether all the torture has had any effect…

The time since my diagnosis (exactly 75 days ago) has an almost surreal feel to it. Two and a half months don’t sound all that long, but they seem like forever to me. Even so, every single day passes awfully quickly although I would expect time to crawl with all the slouching I’m doing. Really, really strange…