This has been a long, long day… I’ll cut it reasonably short for you, though: Ferry at 7.30am, appointment in the Oncology Day Ward of Sir Paul Boffa Hospital at 9.30am. Back to Gozo with 3pm ferry, which we managed by a hair’s breadth: the ferry was loaded, and the ramp was already going up! Then hubby waved our ‘priority boarding form’ as if his (or my) life depended on it, and lo and behold they decided to take us in!! I’m very, very grateful for that, because by that time I was very nearly out of my mind with pain. – I might add that I’m also relieved that there is such a thing as priority boarding available for medical treatment for Gozitans in Malta. Since obviously no cancer treatments are available in Gozo, the hardships reserved exclusively for cancer patients from Gozo are really more than enough!
The actual treatments weren’t too bad; chemotherapy drip, preceded by two separate anti-nausea drips, around 2 hours in total, I think. Then 5 mins radiotherapy of the lower back (because of spreading of tumour cells in the bones). By far the worst was the CT scan and the ‘simulation’ prior to radiotherapy. Lying face-down is about as painful as it gets for me, and not being allowed to move at all was truly hell.
Well. It’s all in the past now, somehow hard to believe. Now I’m sitting at home and will spend the next half hour or so studying the schedule for the shitload of medication I brought home with me. Including morphine oral solution, which will hopefully, finally bring a little relief !
Now what’s left for me to be scared of is the bronchoscopy on Wednesday, but that, too, shall pass. After that, peace (I hope!) until next chemo on 14th December…
Thank you all, once again, for your lovely messages – it really does feel so good knowing that others are thinking of me.
Well, I shall collapse on the sofa now and try to recover from the day’s ordeals. Talk soon! *Hugs*
First of all, I want to thank all my friends for their lovely messages via e-mail and facebook. It is plain impossible for me to reply to each and every one. But if reading text on screen would wear off the print, they wouldn’t be legible any longer by now because I’ve been reading them again and again many, many times! You can’t begin to imagine how much your words mean to me…
It is even more difficult to keep everyone updated with what’s happening with me. And of course there’s the possibility that not everybody is really that keen on knowing all the details – which I totally understand! So using my blog to keep y’all in the loop is probably the easiest way – and if you don’t want to read it, you don’t have to! However, I can’t make promises as to how often I will post.
So here we go… I’ll leave out the events of the past weeks since my last blog post; so much has happened but none of it is really relevant now, in stark contrast to what’s been going on this week:
Monday I finally had the isotope bone scan, which had been ordered back in September by a rheumatologist, who suspected I was suffering from inflammatory polyarthritis.
On Tuesday I received word by telephone that a “problem” had shown up in my CT scan of the chest; I was immediately given an appointment to see an oncologist first thing in the morning of the very next day (nothing short of miraculous as there isn’t an oncologist available at the Gozo General Hospital every day!). The word cancer was never mentioned then, but chemo and radiotherapy were, so I guess it was just a matter of keeping things uncomplicated while they were being discussed on the telephone… For the rest of the day I cried and cried until I felt just numb.
Wednesday morning… Obviously I can’t claim to have been unprepared, but having it spelt out still didn’t fail to shock. Two tumors in the left lung, one of which is pressing on the nerve that’s responsible for my vocal cord palsy as well as the agonizing pain I have been enduring for so long. Monday’s bone scan also showed a few “dark spots”. A bronchoscopy was arranged for next Wednesday, but the oncologist doesn’t want to lose more valuable time and got me a slot for the biopsy of a 2 cm lymph node in my neck, for this morning.
That biopsy lies behind me now. If I try looking at it objectively, it was probably the easiest and most straightforward intervention that will have been thrown at me for a long, long time to come. Still, I absolutely hated it and thought it would never end. I hope I’ll gain some courage to deal better with all that’s still to come!! I’m really not keen at all on next week’s bronchoscopy…
Apart from being grateful for my many friends, both in cyber and in real life, I can’t say thank-you often enough for being blessed with such a wonderful family. The telephone hardly ever stands still; they cook for us; they care for me, cry with me… Simply thanking you for being there for me is just not enough!
So now I’m diagnosed with cancer – a fact that I’m still working hard on digesting. The sheer amount and diversity of thoughts that raid your mind after being fed such information is overwhelming, and that is actually an understatement. I reckon I’ll grow into it and be able to deal with it as time goes on, but for now it is plain scary, full-stop.
Posted on November 18, 2010 - 6:01 pm. 23 comments
These past weeks have been very stormy ones in every way. From the literal (= meteorological) point of view, this month has been “the fifth wettest October since 1947″, while last Monday, which saw the country coming to a standstill due to widespread flooding, “was the wettest day in seven decades”! (Source: Times of Malta)
If I were fit enough I think I’d go out cloud-hunting every single day. As it is, though, I’m trapped in a very confined space. Even just spending a few minutes at a time in the garden with my camera has become a taxing task. That’s probably the reason why my mind is constantly filling up with words waiting to be written down. At times my head is spinning with thoughts about this and that – just as it used to before I became so enthralled by photography that it didn’t leave much space for writing.
Cloud-hunting in my garden yesterday!
Right now, I’m full to the brim with contempt for a couple of people, who were claiming to be helping me when in reality their aim turned out to be quite the opposite. I have always had a rather trusting nature (well, hubby calls it plain stupid!), so it was sheer luck that in the last moment I decided to double-check the information I’d been given. I’m still reeling with shock. Just what is it that makes such people tick? I don’t know what they could have possibly gained had I walked into their trap. I really find it a little hard to believe they would have just high-fived each other in glee. Well, whatever their reasons, I do hope that one day they’ll get all caught up in those devious intrigues they’re spinning and get to taste their own medicine. Remember, what goes round, comes round… .
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Health-wise I’m still on a downhill path, the last couple of days having been worse than usual in terms of pain. I’m almost ecstatic that I have received an earlier appointment for the CT scan though. Yes, thankfully the true angels in my life outnumber the bad guys! Here’s hoping to get some answers on the 6th November!
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Roger Hodgson’s CLASSICS LIVE
And now for the soothing sounds that came just when I so badly needed them. Part One of Roger Hodgson’s Classics Live is finally available for download from his website. Check out this sampler to hear what US$ 9.99 get you:
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Quality is superb, and if you have attended Roger’s shows in the past, listening to the recordings will instantly transport you back to the concert! I have to be honest: It would have been nice to have some of Roger’s recent works on this album. But apparently Part Two is in the making, so there’s still hope!
Posted on October 28, 2010 - 12:12 pm. Add a comment
Over the past few weeks I’ve been receiving more e-mails than usual from people who want my advice over moving to Malta from some other country. Some find me through my blog, others through my (German) book. Please understand that
I’m feeling very ill indeed and can’t bear to sit down and reply to your mails
and
I’m rather biased against moving to this country right now, unless you have fabulous financial means and/or fabulous health private insurance.
This blog post has been simmering on a low flame all through last night, yet another one that was mostly sleepless. I’ve written it in stages and I don’t have the stamina to fine-tune it by way of editing. But what I want to say is all there…
Yesterday the postman brought me two letters; one contained my blood test results of last week, which I’d been broadly informed about earlier by my GP, but which came as a bit of a shock just the same. I knew that two tumor markers were elevated – but until yesterday I didn’t know which ones (namely CA125 at 42.1 units/ml and CEA at 281 ng/ml).
Additionally, serum ferritin also turned out high (438 ng/ml). Interestingly, the symptoms resulting from high ferritin levels are those that I’m suffering from, most notably “pain throughout the body”, caused by deposition of excess iron in the body.
Tumor markers alone cannot serve as a screening test to diagnose cancer (just imagine how miraculous that would be!), because various other factors can cause levels of these proteins to rise (just one example: smokers tend to have higher CEA levels than non-smokers – please don’t beat me up over this!). Other diagnostic measure are needed. OK, let me rephrase that: I need other diagnostic measures! And that’s where the second bad news of yesterday comes in. Mater Dei Hospital is pleased to inform me that an MRI has been scheduled for me for the 31st January 2011. No appointments yet for CT or isotope bone scan.
Necessity:
Where cancer is concerned, we are constantly bombarded with the advice how early detection is paramount for a possible cure. At the slightest suspicion you should go and see a doctor. They drum it into your head, brainwash you into believing it’s solely up to you to get healing. The message that ultimately sticks in your head – whether that’s intentional or not – is that it’s you who is to blame if you die of cancer. What a bloody farce!
What is luxury?
When I moved to Gozo in 1984, the term ‘luxury’ was redefined in my head. In those days, a television set constituted a luxury, a telephone line. On a more mundane level and in purely random order, ‘Mars’ bars (or any real chocolate, for that matter), deodorant that didn’t reek of toilet cleaner, smoked ham, Swiss cheese… all these were items that were hard to come by and therefore – well, luxuries. (Note on the side: An amenity that has remained a luxury right into today’s technology-governed age is uninterrupted electricity supply (I was blessed with a powercut while writing this post) – but let’s better not go there now!!)
In all honesty, none of these really ever bothered me bad enough to change my mind about living here. Overall, there’s always been a balance in favour of Gozo. However, now life itself is creeping into the equation… Dictionary.com defines luxury as
“a material object, service, etc., conducive to sumptuous living, usually a delicacy, elegance, or refinement of living rather than a necessity.”
Yet here I am, squeezed in a 3+ months waiting loop that could cost me my bare life – never mind any degrees of “elegance” or “refinement” of the same!
Conclusion:
Making a life in Gozo can be a true luxury if ever there was one – and it could well turn out to be the one you’ll crave most but will never afford!
I don’t know how often I wrote this blog post in my mind – and how often I logged into my WordPress dashboard to actually get down to business, only to close the window again a few minutes later. It’s really all too overwhelming, but I also keep fearing that by writing it all down it becomes all too real.
A few weeks ago I learnt that I was going to lose my job over my illness. For someone who defines herself through her work as I have done, this is the worst she can be told (well, almost the worst, as I’ll explain further on). Consequently, my first reaction was a feeling of total devastation. But knowing that it was work that obviously had brought about my condition in the first place, I decided it was better for me thinking of it as a door closing so another could open.
Okay, whatever, the chapter is practically closed, so I’ll let it rest. Better concentrate on the future…
But… what future? My illness, which still has not been identified, is wreaking havoc with my body. I’m in constant pain; often it is so bad that it leaves me completely incapacitated. (Incidentally, this excruciating pain served as inspiration for the photos in this post - in case you were wondering!) This past week I more or less spent 24/7 lying down. I’ve continued to lose weight, which has now dropped below 50 kg. I do keep forcing myself to eat something every now and then, but in general it only takes the thought of food to make me feel as if I’d just eaten a full four-course meal!
The last straw – or let’s say the one before the last – came with the latest blood test results that I was told about last Wednesday. Apparently two tumor markers are “a little high”. That fact alone does not constitute a diagnose though, which is why I need to have further tests to figure out what’s wrong. I’m waiting to get appointments for MRI of the head and CT scan of the chest (additionally to that bone scan thingy I mentioned a few weeks ago). A couple of years ago I was convinced that the healthcare system in this country really was an excellent one. But then, my knowledge was purely theoretical – now I know better. If you can’t afford private health insurance, your cards are very bad indeed! Maybe this is the way they are trying to ensure the survival of the fittest? Sorry for this pathetic attempt at sarcasm – it’s just that I’ve reached the end of my patience after being ill for half a year, without hope for getting any better any time soon…
I don’t know what I would do without the love I receive from family and friends… that’s really the only thing that still keeping me going. I’m not very good at keeping in touch right now, but I hope that one day I’ll be well enough again to properly show my gratitude for your efforts to brighten my days!
03.15 am. Somewhere in front of our bedroom window some relentless cricket plays alarm clock; that it finally shuts up is probably because of that hysterical little dog (high-pitched bark!) a little further down the street, which in turn, believe it or not, makes way for a crying baby… The church bell chimes in at its customary hour of 5 am, waking up that braggart of a rooster. The van of David’s Bakery is also punctual for the store opening half an hour later – and a never-ending diesel engine cacophony of delivery trucks will follow, adding to the rural charm of this Gozitan village…
None of the above are unusual, though. They’re just the typical summer morning sounds of Gharb. Winter – even autumn! – still seems aeons away. Not that the noises would be any different, but at least they could be muffled by shutting the window on them!
But whom am I fooling? If I’m honest, the sound of silence would be worse right now. My night would have been over at 3 am even without the cricket’s prodding, and the other customary sounds actually carry with them some reassurance of sorts. The world hasn’t ended yet!
Through our local SPCA‘s newsletter I learnt that someone was in need of photographs of her cats, which I took for a sign to do something about regaining my mobility. So I offered my services for free, in exchange for having my name as the photographer publicised. Here’s a handful of the results of our one-hour photo session:
I’m half-way through my third week of sick leave, and nothing much has changed. Which hits me even harder as last week I had a couple of days when I actually believed the worst was over and done with – and then suddenly found myself back at square one. I’ve never cared for roller-coasters, but this kind is the worst!
Posted on September 29, 2010 - 9:19 am. Add a comment
Stock-take after one week’s sick leave: my legs appear to be practically trouble-free, as do my arms. Now if the back could decide to stop aching, and my voice came back to normal, I’d be a happy camper! Unbelievably, a nasty little cold has added itself to my trials; I hope it’ll be over soon, especially as every sneeze sends shock-waves through every muscle in my back. But on the whole? I think I am getting better!
Since my first brave walk last Friday I went twice more, and I can clearly say it does feel a little better each time, though anything ever so slightly uphill is a killer. Also, at the peril that people will hate me for this: walking through Gharb is rather uninspiring. Sure, there are still a few enchanting corners, where the view on the surrounding country-side hasn’t been shut off with walls yet. But all in all the village isn’t as pretty as one might expect.
Yesterday I took my nifty 50mm out with me, seeing that dusk was near, but there were very few inspiring views… or maybe I just wasn’t in the mood to see them?
Arid land & San Dimitri Chapel
Shut
Nobody home?
Architecture in Gharb
Religious devotion
Shaded alley in Gharb
At the end... light!
“Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly.”
Ambrose Bierce
Posted on September 21, 2010 - 12:49 pm. Add a comment
A very sad and disturbing (and possibly even the last) chapter in the history of a great group called Supertramp, is currently stirring up lots of emotions among fans. Many would love to see Supertramp come together one more time in their original line-up, because they experienced the great chemistry that existed between Rick’s and Roger’s respective music. But Rick Davies seems adamant to disappoint the fans: Although Roger Hodgson‘s own world tour was already planned out when Supertramp announced their 2010 tour, he offered to join the group at least for some of the concerts. Rick’s management bluntly refused.
Practically on the height of the group’s fame, co-founder Roger Hodgson had left Supertramp in 1983, leaving Rick to carry on with the successful name and taking nothing but his own songs with him – which Rick promised never to perform without Roger. He broke that promise on a few occasions, when it became clear that it was Roger’s songs which the fans wanted to hear. But this year Rick is taking his breach of the agreement to new heights: Supertramp is doing a “greatest hits” tour (titled “70-10″) on the occasion of their 40th anniversary, without including Roger in the line-up but not shying away from openly using Roger’s pictures and songs to advertise their gigs – and performing them, too. Well, let’s face it, if Supertramp were to ignore those songs there wouldn’t be that many “greatest hits” left, as the set list of their Freiburg gig illustrates poignantly (Roger’s songs marked by me):
To me it (and not only to me!) it seems very much like Rick feels the need to cash in on Roger’s fabulous world-wide success in recent years. Taking a cue from a review of Supertramp’s Freiburg concert, he’s not exactly succeeding though…
Partial translation of “Supertramp in Freiburg gar nicht super in Form”, Suedkurier 08 Sep 2010:
Supertramp in Freiburg not at all in super form
…A band such as Supertramp in the “Brauereihof” augured for an entertaining evening with rock classics and factory charm. However, the performance of Supertramp turned out rather unspectacular, cold, and only reached the attribute “high-end” with the finale with the top hits “School”, “Dreamer” and of course “Crime Of The Century”. Before that, the rather unexcitingly staged hitparade only occasionally managed to spark enthusiasm with the greying fans.
…
Among the mature fans, who were only fed occasional bits of earworms, impatience grew as they had hoped for a hit-fireworks, but were mainly provided with B-side music. A really good atmosphere never materialised, and that can’t be due to excellently mixed sound at the Brauereihof, but rather due to the lack of soul of the old band’s performance at the end of a long tour.
…
The band of nine “Supertramp” came to the Brauereihof of Freiburg at the end of its “70 – 10″ tour and inquired first, whether the beer was tasty. But mainly Supertramp wanted to show in Freiburg, that there really was a reason for the band to celebrate its 40-year anniversary. Of course that was a bit of a cheat, as those adept in the scene say, after all the actual great years of the band only spanned the years 1974 till 1983. After that there were mainly many breaks, split-ups and a lot of civil disputes. Band founder Rick Davies, saxophonist John Helliwell and drummer Bob Siegenberg were the only original members of the successful band of the seventies that performed in Freiburg, a fact that was unmistakable. The band is especially lacking singer and guitarist Roger Hodgson, whose treble voice characterizes the breezy hits of the band such as “Give A Little Bit” or “It´s Raining Again”.
In Freiburg, Supertramp presented itself over long periods as a cumbersome rock-dinosaur that had little modern or new material to offer. There were only very small doses of muscial creativity and joy of playing. Strictly speaking, with ticket prices of up to 90 Euro, one would have been served cheaper, and maybe also better, with a “Best Of” record or a DVD from the old days of the band.?
“The irony is these songs of mine that Rick is now playing and using to advertise this tour are the same ones that Rick didn’t even want on Supertramp albums all those years ago. Suddenly when it’s time to sell tickets for his shows, Rick seems very fond of my songs.”
But he also said,
“Finally, I want to say that I really don’t like coming forward like this, but I feel people have a right to know the truth. And the reality is that Rick Davies can own a trademark, but he cannot own the truth.”
Sadly for the fans, with the rift between Rick and Roger having become deeper than before, a true Supertramp reunion is now probably further away from reality than ever. In the meantime, Roger continues to delight his (as well as Supertramp’s) fans around the world. If for you those songs that I marked on the set list above, are Supertramp’s greatest hits, then chances are that you can enjoy them live somewhere on the globe in the near future – and they’ll sound just as they’re supposed to! Check out the Tour page on Roger Hodgson’s website, or add his official Facebook page to your favourites, to make sure you’ll be one of the first to know when he’s performing in your neighbourhood!
Oh, and I almost forgot: Roger’s new album “Classics Live” is going to be released soon. It is a spectacular collection of his live performances from solo, band and orchestra shows around the world recorded during his 2010 tour. And: Roger is giving away the download of an awesome live version of Dreamer on his website!
Posted on September 18, 2010 - 2:21 pm. 8 comments
